I know it has been a while since I have blogged about my crazy life but, there is a reason. I just haven’t really felt up to it. Ever get like that?
So, as I am sitting at my computer watching the snow fall out the window… I decided to blog. I guess sometimes you just need a snow day to get the creative juices flowing.
As you all may or may not know I have been trying to bring my a1c down into that good ol’ baby range number of “6.5″. The forbidden number! I have been working my butt off to get there for over a year. At this point I have a better shot of finding Mordor and falling into the pit of fire.
Anyhoo… I started at 9.1 last July, and this past summer got down to 7.2. I was really proud of my accomplishment but of course not where I need to be. It has been the hardest thing to deal with. I feel as though no matter how hard I try it is never enough. I exercise, I eat right, I do my daily log, I go to my doctor every couple of months, I email my CDE weekly with numbers. I really don’t get it. Do I need to sell my soul?
What the hell am I doing wrong? Why is this so hard? After the 7.2 this past July I was in Miami for the Mastering your diabetes program at the Diabetes Research Institute and I learned so many new tools for managing my diabetes I really thought I had gotten better. They gave me new tips and tricks to follow, and I was feeling really good. This time I felt like I knew what I was doing and was prepared to tackle any and every high or low that got tossed at me.
Wrong.
October comes around for my next a1c test and I was so excited to see where I was at…it went up to 7.4???? Ok, is this some kind of sick joke? Are you effin’ kidding me. So fine! I plug away and attempt to do what I have to yet again. It wasn’t that bad, only a couple of points higher. I don’t have much to go. 1 point down shouldn’t be that hard right?
Breathe Gina
In November, I got a new job and wasn’t really used to working 9 hour days anymore, so physically and mentally I had to prepare. Ya know like waking up at normal hours instead of sleeping in till 11am and working till 5am. Another challenge was eating on a schedule again. Breakfast, lunch and dinner instead of just dinner. Or just lunch.
Now, I am eating 3 meals a day, counting carbs, no snacks, exercising. The end of January a1c comes back at a whopping 8.3!!!! Pulling my hair out one by one sounds good right about now? Is this result from working? It really isn’t a high stressed job at all. Am I thinking about babies and numbers too much?
I want to go to the highest mountain and scream WHAT THE F!!!!!!!!!!
Ok, breathing tactics work here…
Alright, whatever…I have had it. OBVI. I am about ready to give up why is this happening? I feel as though I try so hard all of the time and just can’t get there so why am I even bothering? I want to be healthy to have a precious baby, but right now it does not seem that a baby is in my cards.
I have all of my tools, CGM, pump, my brand new Bayer USB Contour meter. A great diabetes team? What am I doing wrong??? Right now I feel like such a complete failure. A diabetes loser! Just put the dunce cap on my head with a big ol’ FAT “D” on it! Diabetes DUNCE!!
Anyway, in January I had an online chat with Gary Scheiner of Integrated Diabetes, and expressed my frustrations to him during the chat. He told me that he was 100% sure he could help me. Really? Do you know that I suck at this?? Ok so, I am at wits end and decided to go for it. We have now been working together for two weeks, and trying figure out what has been going on with me. Right now I have been doing basal tests up the wah-zoo! Totally fine with it too, as long as it helps…I am hoping that I will have really great results with Gary, he comes highly recommended by many. Best part: He has diabetes and completely understands.
I already starting to feel as though I am more accountable for my actions, and definitely see some improvements and patterns going on in my day to day logs. But, I have been down this road before and have been deeply disappointed.
Can Gary help?
We shall see…
UGH.
February 11th, 2010 at 2:44 am
((hugs))
Hang tough, girl!!
You can do this.
February 11th, 2010 at 2:54 am
Glad you are working with someone who has diabetes! I just don’t feel that without diabetes a person would understand. I feel your frustration and going through all the motions also. I need more education though; do you have a regime online that you could recommend? Keep up the hard work, it has to matter in the end.
February 11th, 2010 at 3:05 am
Mary Anna,
thanks so much. You can call Gary Scheiner, the guy I am working with he does everything remotely. Integrateddiabetes.com
February 11th, 2010 at 3:06 am
I’m sorry for your frustrations Gina. I have been there myself … trying with all your might, doing everything you are supposed to and get higher results for it. There are so many variables with blood sugar and a lot of them are out of our control so although you may be on top of every little thing, things can still happen. I know it’s easier said than done but try to relax more about it and give yourself more credit for what you are doing. That means a lot!! I hope that Gary can help you figure things out so that you can get a result that is more rewarding and less upsetting. I hear support groups are good for this sort of thing too
February 11th, 2010 at 3:34 am
Keep the faith Gina- and thanks for writing about a frustration that every single person with
diabetes has experienced!
I know Gary is going to help you reach your A1C goal!
YOU GO GINA!
Kelly K
February 11th, 2010 at 3:37 am
I’ve got one word for you…hormones. They wreak havoc with BS. There are different kinds of hormones. Stress hormones aand the dreaded female hormones. The week before my friend my bs are dangerously low. Then I treat and they skyrocket. Then they crash back down. The week of my friend I run high all week. Even with my OmniPod I am bs challenged!
February 12th, 2010 at 1:22 am
I am sorry you are so frustrated. I totally understand. You are certainly not alone in this. D doesn’t always follow the nice list of rules we are asked to follow. It changes, plays games, and we have no idea how or when or why. Keep trying. Keep going. Keep blogging. Keep opening. You will get there. All you can be responsible for is your effort. That is it. So keep up the great effort! It is so worth it.
February 12th, 2010 at 8:42 am
oh dear Gina! we are cheering you on…it is hard…such a difficult hand to be dealt…take each number as it comes…and keep writing about it. we’re here to support you (((hugs)))
February 16th, 2010 at 12:12 am
Sounds like you should trust Gary. Here is why- He is diabeteic,
he has outside eyes, you are doing everything right to begin with.
If he says that he can help, put your trust in him and take that
self doubting stress off your shoulders. You’ll have a baby in your arms soon, it will take faith that you can do it.
February 16th, 2010 at 2:40 am
I certianly do feel for you on this. I’ve experienced this in the past all too often and thought I had mine under control for the last 8 years until a few months ago, but something has changed and I don’t think it’s my routine.
I posted a while ago seeking help myself since my recent A1c was way way above where it’s been for the last several years!
I’ll just make one suggestion you may want to think about. You stated you’ve changed jobs so you have changed a lot of what of what you were doing. Is your new stress level actually higher than what it was or what you think it is? Stress plays a large part in our diabetes control. I absolutely know that from experience. About 8 years ago I changed jobs and have had very low stress levels because of it. I love my new work because it is so low key and I even travel about 90% of the time. My A1c control went from terrible to great in a matter of months. I’ve been consistently recording 6.3 to 6.5 A1c tests for several years until recently and it’s been great and I’m convinced that lowering my stress level even though I didn’t think I was too stressed out made a huge difference.
I also decided some time ago that I’m now older and wiser and I simply do not allow much of anything to bother me no matter how bad things get. I simply refuse to allow it and I find it works and things always have a way of getting resolved one way or another.
As i said and unfortunately for me something else has changed so my recent results are not what they were, so I’m back to trying to figure it out as are you.
We live to learn so keep the faith about doing all you can to make it work. I won’t say those other things we diabetics all say. I’m sure you know them well.
February 20th, 2010 at 12:57 am
I know it has been awhile since your original post but if it helps i went through the same thing. 1 year of preparing my a1c for pregnancy and no such luck. With the help of Fortamet ER after we realized that not only do I have T1 but am also insulin resistant! Talk about frustration.
I finally got the go ahead from the endo and perinatologist when my a1c was 7ish.
When i found out i was pregnant i really stayed to my diet with bery little exceptions.my a1c went down to 6.7 and then 6.3 - haven’t had it checked in a couple months but my husband and i are betting it’s in the low 6’s or hight 5’s.
I am happy to report that i am 30 weeks pregnant and both baby and i are fine. Just know that when you do get pregnant- your basals and boluses will change every few weeks. More frustration but when i finally got the hang of it- WHOO HOO!!! Just make sure that your OBGYN and perinatologist and CDE are willing to work together. !!!!!