Today is my Dia-versary, and in case you didn’t know it’s also Black Friday. How fitting… haha.
My diagnosis was on November 25, 2000 at precisely 11:10am. How do I remember this? Because right before the doctor came into the office I looked at my watch to see what time it was. It’s funny the little things you remember.
It’s now 11 years later and the sting of my diagnosis is still there. People believe that you can live well with diabetes. I believe that myself, sometimes. Other times I just sit there and think about all of the worst case scenarios and the numbers that constantly circle around inside my head. It consumes me and I wonder what the hell is wrong with me. Why can’t I get my shit together? In 11 years I still can’t get over the fact that my life is different and that I have to take insulin and count carbs and worry about lows and highs every day of my life. I don’t know how to make peace with it.
At times I just pretend like I don’t have diabetes at all. I want my life to go back to the days before my diagnosis. Back then, my biggest concerns were what outfit I was going to wear or if I was going to sleep in that day.
There are days when I don’t want to think at all. I just want to go to bed and not have any thoughts. I want to be completely relaxed and not have any worries about if I am going to make it through the night or not. Or if diabetes retinopathy will take my vision away because my blood sugar is high or the other complications that may occur over my lifetime.
The things that get me through are days like this. The day I was diagnosed because let’s be honest I could have been dead. I think I was untreated for a long time before I even had the courage to go to the doctor.
I try so hard to help others and advocate for this disease but never practice what I preach. I am always focusing on what could happen to me, why are my numbers so high? why can’t I get my a1c down? Why me?
All I can do is try to be better, right? I know I have a problem of skipping boluses or forgetting to check my blood sugars because I just don’t want to deal with it. And I am trying to fix that.
It’s all I can do.